Embracing the Darkness

Along with the ghosts and witches of Halloween hoopla, we also said good-bye last weekend to the last shreds of daylight in the evening, as Daylight Savings Time ended. While I welcome the light earlier in the morning, there's something about the early settling darkness that can be, well ... un-settling. As we move into the four darkest months of the year, many people struggle with lower moods or depression (known as SAD--Seasonal Affective Disorder).

I am intrigued with what might be underlying contributors to this common experience in our society. From a Traditional Chinese Medicine or philosophy perspective, the darkness is the balancing opposite of the light (as the yin/yang symbol beautifully portrays), and nature provides a concrete example of how to find balance in our lives. Just as much of nature takes a rest in winter to restore and prepare for another Spring, so we need more rest and down time in winter to restore our energy levels from the high-energy activity of summer and prepare for the coming spring.

So, why is the dark time of the year so difficult? Certainly there are many factors that contribute, and I propose that the association of darkness with the feminine is one of them. The masculine (yang) is associated with light, day, heat, action and upward, outward movement. The feminine (yin) is associated with the opposites of dark, night, cold, rest and downward, inward movement and reflection, and also with expression of emotions. It doesn't take much to recognize that our society is a bit imbalanced toward the yang. The social conditioning by messages to achieve, to pull ourselves up (by our bootstraps, of course), to climb the ladder of success, keep growing and earning more, and go for the limelight, are strong. We might be frowned upon or criticized if we are perceived to be doing nothing. Needing to rest or take a break is seen as weak in some circles.

The feminine has long been suppressed in our collective consciousness. While we've come a long way with women's equality issues, the oppression continues. In addition to blatant sexism, I say it shows up in subtle ways, like fear of the dark, the expression of emotions being seen as weak, and a disregard for the benefits of rest, silence and downtime.

What if we uncovered some of our unconscious beliefs and shifted them to embrace the qualities of the feminine? What if we broke away from the societal norms and, instead of resisting the darkness, embraced it by truly honoring our body's need for rest and our heart's need to feel the sadness or anger? What might be possible if we honored emotions as guidance from our soul, and viewed the darkness as an opportunity to restore, reflect and grow?

If our culture embraced the feminine and the darkness as valuable, and society encouraged self-reflection and more rest during the dark months of the year, might there be less suffering? less SAD? It begins with our thoughts and beliefs, which lead to our behaviors. If you notice yourself resisting the darkness in the coming weeks, join me in embracing it as a valuable balance to the light...a time to rest, reflect, honor the feelings that come up, and give yourself permission to bow out of some holiday craziness. You might be surprised by what shows up.

Letting go of shoulds

So, it's been a few months since I've reflected here--somewhat tumultuous months for me. (Was it the seasonal transition? My milestone of turning 40? Who knows?) When I've been able to extract myself from the all-too-familiar negative mental/emotional spiral around not having enough time, not being good enough, not having clarity and focus, and simply observe my personal dynamic, I've noticed yet another layer of shoulds I've been listening to: I should be blogging every week. I should be able to keep my garden in pristine shape. I should've cleaned the bathtub long ago. I should have a great website put together by now (or by a year ago!). I should be marketing and advertising like so-and-so. I should be caught up with my QuickBooks, be making lots of connections on facebook, and doing the whole laundry list of things that a "good" business owner does! And, I really should know by now how to not fall into these pits of overwhelm and fear. (Even now as I write, I'm observing thoughts that I should have a good metaphor example woven into my writing in order for this to really be a good blog!) I should be doing more, accomplishing more, doing it all better.... You get the picture.

While my perfectionistic streak may be a bit overblown than most, I know from hearing others' stories that my experience isn't an isolated scenario. No surprise there, in our striving, dress-to-impress, more-is-better culture. It's not easy to turn this monster upside-down and find peace and satisfaction with less--on the inside rather than the outside. Or maybe it's not that it's so hard. Might it be that we simply don't receive nearly as many messages and encouragement to honor and listen to our own inner Truth? Perhaps we simply haven't practiced tuning in.

Despite the many reminders I have received to listen to my own inner voice and truth, I often found myself swimming in a pool of confusion in recent months, pulled this way and that by the voices all around me. They aren't bad or wrong voices, and many are well meaning. However, they aren't mine. And if I'm living my life to please others, or avoid criticism, or deliver what I think others want, I'm not really living my life, am I?

Learning to hear my own voice among the cacaphony of shoulds and expert advice has been, and continues to be an adventure. When I let go of calling it "hard" and allow myself to be a beginner at it, I can step back and be amused. "How fascinating! There I go again--thinking I need to do whatever _________ said I should. " Being free from any and all "should thoughts" is likely next to impossible in our human experience. The bottom line, perhaps, is whether we listen and act according to them. Each time I see the shoulds for what they are--someone else's ideas, assumptions or conclusions--and come back to myself, I peel back yet another layer of the onion that obscures my whole and authentic Self.

I love this time of year, as the leaves provide such a clear and tangible metaphor for letting go. With their inspiration, I am letting go of the voices in my head that say I should've done a better job writing this. It is what it is--my voice.

What if.....?

The current gridlock in Congress about healthcare reform is yet another reminder that our system does not have the public's true health and wellness interests at the center. Is it really a healthcare system? Or a wealthcare system for insurance companies? What kind of reform will our current system need to ensure that everyone has access to quality, affordable healthcare? Is it possible? I certainly don't know the answers, and I'm not sure anyone does.

However, I am dreaming of an alternative system. What if we had community-based wellness centers that provided direct acess to education and prevention of chronic disease? What if such a center would value relationship over transaction? What if those centers were accessible to everyone, regardless of income? What if the services were MOST accessible to those who were the sickest, who needed the services most? What if the focus was on removing the root causes of symptoms, and helping the body heal naturally, with the smallest possible intervention? What if we all pitched in according to our income and ability to pay...for the sake of the health of the whole community? What if... ? What would you like to see? Will you dream with me? ... and help make it a reality?

In the words of my teacher, acupuncturist, and friend, Melora Scanlon, this is "a dream that wants to be dreamt through us."

Deep Nourishment: What step will you take?

I just spent a lovely evening at the Anne Arundel Co. meeting of On Purpose Networking for Women. In my 5 minute presentation, I did an abbreviated Raisin Meditation and talked about getting pleasure from food and--even more importantly--from non-food sources. In a culture that's overfed and undernourished physically, I say there's also a deeper malnutrition on the soul level.

For years, I suppressed who I really was in order to please others and meet unreasonable expectations--both theirs and mine. I was numb to my feelings, cut off from my true self, and living by the "shoulds." It's been an interesting journey over the past decade, of learning how to nourish myself on all levels. I've slowly been waking up, breaking free from all that oppressed and suppressed my unique voice, and learning to savor the sacredness in everything. An amazing adventure, really, that I will be on for the rest of my life.

How might your life (and specifically your relationship with food) be different if you slowed down to savor each bite of food, and nourished yourself deeply in non-food ways. Here's the question I left the group with tonight, and I ask it of you as well: What step will you take to break free from the "shoulds" and deeply nourish yourself in the next 24 hours?

Honor what comes up for you, even if you or others might perceive it as a little "upside-down." For me, after a 12-hour work day today, it just might be a nap in the middle of the day tomorrow (when I "should" be working).

I'd love to hear about what you did and how it affected you, and look forward to reading your comments!

Hungry

Halfway through my humble bowl of dinner, I realize I am lost in thoughts about something two months away, and barely conscious of the fact that I am shoveling in the next bite before I've finished chewing the last one. I'm enjoying the flavors, and yet not really taking them in - instead, unconsciously hungering for another"hit" in the next bite.

The metaphor of my life reflected in the moment washes over me. Why so "hungry?" What am I seeking in my frantic rush to read another book, learn another skill, do another "good" thing? When will my heart get what my head now knows - that it's all within me? ... that I already have everything I need?

I pause, put my fork down, and slow my chewing. The flavors are richer as I hold the food in my mouth and actually chew it until it's liquid consistency. I breathe deeper and slower, calling myself back from my busy mind's distractions several more times before I've savored the last bite. I can feel the tension washing away, and my stomach thanks me for the gentler approach with contented gurgles.

It's a life-long practice, I remind myself--this slowing down. A bit of upside-down living I'm committed to in the midst of the mad rush of modern life. Grateful for the holographic connectedness of life, I trust that even these 10 minutes of choosing to be awake to my food will create more presence and satisfaction in my non-food moments.

upside-down living

People have been asking: What exactly is "upside-down living?" My response is usually: What does it mean to you? What images or actions or ideas does it bring to mind? It will mean different things to different people, so there's no particular definition to it. Really--I encourage you to take a moment to reflect, before reading on: How would my life be different if I lived it upside-down? What's one way that I do--or could--live upside-down? Notice the first thing that pops into your mind, even if it seems bizarre.

I've had various ideas about what it means to me, or what it might mean for others, for society. This is the first time I'm putting any of it into formal writing, so let's see what comes to the surface in the next 10 minutes! Living upside-down could be about . . . not joining facebook just because everyone else is doing it . . . picking up trash and recycling even when the neighbors look at you funny . . . living according to my own feelings, opinions and desires, rather than everyone else's . . . crying in front of others--without shame . . . actually listening to my body and what it wants/needs, rather than all the "experts," . . . taking a real lunch break . . . taking the bus . . . facing my fears . . . s-l-o-w-i-n-g d-o-w-n . . . dancing through the daffodils like no one is watching . . . not wearing a bra just because I'm "supposed to" . . . smiling at a stranger--just because . . . paying a bit more for local organic food . . .

The possibilities are endless. See how many you can come up with in 1 minute. I'd love to see your list!

Gratitude Over Compote

(written February 28, 2009)

One of my favorite sweet desserts in the winter is a fruit compote, gently simmered until the fruit flesh softens, giving up its juices to blend with spice and syrup for a delicious and comforting ending to a meal. In this case, it consisted of organic apples and pears, raisins, a squeezed lemon, cinnamon, a dash of cloves, and some maple syrup. An added bonus was that it simmered for several hours on an old wood-burning cook stove, absorbing the cozy ambiance of the fire in the retreat space I was enjoying. As I savored the sweet, tart and spicy flavors mingling on my tongue, I found these words of gratitude flowing through my stream of thoughts:

Thank you, oh fruit of the vine
for offering up your life to
sustain mine
Thank you vine
for generously giving
of your harvest
And the trees contributing fruit, blood, bark and flower
Thank you

Thanks be to the Source from which it all comes
And to which we all return

In that moment I touched a deeper place in myself--a place that knows no separation between my body and Mother Earth. We are inextricably connected in this dance of Life...and I, so often numb or distracted in my busyness, miss that connection; a connection that feeds my soul - and, I say, offers the true solution to our planet's current peril. Oh, that I might touch that place more often...