Letting go of shoulds

So, it's been a few months since I've reflected here--somewhat tumultuous months for me. (Was it the seasonal transition? My milestone of turning 40? Who knows?) When I've been able to extract myself from the all-too-familiar negative mental/emotional spiral around not having enough time, not being good enough, not having clarity and focus, and simply observe my personal dynamic, I've noticed yet another layer of shoulds I've been listening to: I should be blogging every week. I should be able to keep my garden in pristine shape. I should've cleaned the bathtub long ago. I should have a great website put together by now (or by a year ago!). I should be marketing and advertising like so-and-so. I should be caught up with my QuickBooks, be making lots of connections on facebook, and doing the whole laundry list of things that a "good" business owner does! And, I really should know by now how to not fall into these pits of overwhelm and fear. (Even now as I write, I'm observing thoughts that I should have a good metaphor example woven into my writing in order for this to really be a good blog!) I should be doing more, accomplishing more, doing it all better.... You get the picture.

While my perfectionistic streak may be a bit overblown than most, I know from hearing others' stories that my experience isn't an isolated scenario. No surprise there, in our striving, dress-to-impress, more-is-better culture. It's not easy to turn this monster upside-down and find peace and satisfaction with less--on the inside rather than the outside. Or maybe it's not that it's so hard. Might it be that we simply don't receive nearly as many messages and encouragement to honor and listen to our own inner Truth? Perhaps we simply haven't practiced tuning in.

Despite the many reminders I have received to listen to my own inner voice and truth, I often found myself swimming in a pool of confusion in recent months, pulled this way and that by the voices all around me. They aren't bad or wrong voices, and many are well meaning. However, they aren't mine. And if I'm living my life to please others, or avoid criticism, or deliver what I think others want, I'm not really living my life, am I?

Learning to hear my own voice among the cacaphony of shoulds and expert advice has been, and continues to be an adventure. When I let go of calling it "hard" and allow myself to be a beginner at it, I can step back and be amused. "How fascinating! There I go again--thinking I need to do whatever _________ said I should. " Being free from any and all "should thoughts" is likely next to impossible in our human experience. The bottom line, perhaps, is whether we listen and act according to them. Each time I see the shoulds for what they are--someone else's ideas, assumptions or conclusions--and come back to myself, I peel back yet another layer of the onion that obscures my whole and authentic Self.

I love this time of year, as the leaves provide such a clear and tangible metaphor for letting go. With their inspiration, I am letting go of the voices in my head that say I should've done a better job writing this. It is what it is--my voice.