I’m taking an extended vacation…

You probably want to know what exotic destination might be in store. Well, the fact is I'm not planning to go anywhere. I'm taking a vacation from the “shoulds." I am finding them to be quite sneaky in how they still find a way to run the show at times.  So I’m taking a focused and intentional summer vacation from them.

How did I come to this? There are many things I have wanted to do this spring and summer, or  thought were “important” to do--whether for income, ongoing learning, connection with friends and family, or self-growth. The whirlwind of the past several months has been easing slightly, yet I was still feeling a bit of overwhelm. How can I fit it all in and still maintain reasonable self-care and a sense of balance? Body symptoms and my acupuncturist were all pointing (repeatedly) to the wisdom of slowing down…taking a break.

I found myself aching for a significant chunk of time off work to rest and rejuvenate. The word sabbatical came to me. But what would a sabbatical look like? No clients? No group events? No consulting work? No part-time side job? What exactly do I need a break from? And how do I pay the bills when I don’t get paid time off? (Honestly, these are the ongoing challenges of solo-entrepreneurs and those working low-paying jobs without benefits.)

I’ve been doing my best to simply sit with the questions, noticing when my mind wants to "fix it"--to figure it all out and come up with a solution. Times like these are when I am most grateful for the mindfulness practices I have learned over the years, and am also able to see more clearly how much they assist me in maintaining a sense of balance and calm in the midst of life's ups and downs. (This is also why I'm so thrilled to be consulting as a Program Associate with the Center for Mindful Awareness in Baltimore!) Being able to pause and let go of that urge to come up with a quick fix allows me to step back, see the whole picture, and listen deeply in the unknowing for how best to proceed.

Typically, I would stew over these questions for weeks and months, never getting to the break I was longing for due to indecisiveness that shows up when I am caught up in my monkey mind. This time, as I let myself sit in the questions, I began to notice that the weight of overwhelm was really driven by shoulds rather than any one particular thing I’m doing. The shoulds show up in so many ways: others nudging me to offer a certain class, well-intended advice from a friend or colleague, or my own internal pressure to do more with my business, and certainly more marketing and better newsletters!

What if I took a step back and focused on discerning what is a should as compared to what I really want to do? And dropped anything that’s a should? What if I made decisions about what to do from my heart instead of my head?

The weight began to lift, and my body felt lighter. A summer free of the shoulds felt like the vacation I most need!

Meanwhile, a few tweaks in my schedule have been taking effect, helping to provide more routine and predictability to my weeks, and my body reminded me again to keep slowing down with some lower back pain!  I am looking forward to a should-free summer. It brings the focus within me, which I know is where it needs to be right now-- to pay attention to my motivations, my desires, and how my mind deludes me into thinking I “have to”  or I “want to” for reasons that are not really true. It means getting to know myself better…from the inside out.

That’s the extended vacation I am looking forward to! No more inner battles and obsessive thoughts about what to do. No more stress about needing to "figure it out." No more feeling split and pulled in a million different directions. No more do-ing that isn't in alignment with my be-ing. No more. I want to free up that energy for more creative and productive pursuits that serve me and everyone around me. I'd love some companions on the journey. Who wants to join me on this vacation?! 

So, consider this a vacation notice: You may not see newsletters or blogs like I’ve done them in the past. The thought that I should keep doing them the same way--that others expect it now, so I must deliver!--is one of those shoulds that has been sneakily running the show a bit. Instead, I feel excited to send out smaller, shorter announcements or reflections … whenever I am motivated to from the inside. I might not offer any more Reiki classes until the fall. I may take the whole month of August off from any group events. We'll see where my heart leads me.

What I love most is the freedom on the inside, as I recognize the unreasonable expectations I've had for myself...and the deflating self-judgment when I didn't live up to those expectations. As I let go of all that pressure...aaahhh… what relief! I have a feeling I won’t ever return from this vacation…