I’m taking an extended vacation…

You probably want to know what exotic destination might be in store. Well, the fact is I'm not planning to go anywhere. I'm taking a vacation from the “shoulds." I am finding them to be quite sneaky in how they still find a way to run the show at times.  So I’m taking a focused and intentional summer vacation from them.

How did I come to this? There are many things I have wanted to do this spring and summer, or  thought were “important” to do--whether for income, ongoing learning, connection with friends and family, or self-growth. The whirlwind of the past several months has been easing slightly, yet I was still feeling a bit of overwhelm. How can I fit it all in and still maintain reasonable self-care and a sense of balance? Body symptoms and my acupuncturist were all pointing (repeatedly) to the wisdom of slowing down…taking a break.

I found myself aching for a significant chunk of time off work to rest and rejuvenate. The word sabbatical came to me. But what would a sabbatical look like? No clients? No group events? No consulting work? No part-time side job? What exactly do I need a break from? And how do I pay the bills when I don’t get paid time off? (Honestly, these are the ongoing challenges of solo-entrepreneurs and those working low-paying jobs without benefits.)

I’ve been doing my best to simply sit with the questions, noticing when my mind wants to "fix it"--to figure it all out and come up with a solution. Times like these are when I am most grateful for the mindfulness practices I have learned over the years, and am also able to see more clearly how much they assist me in maintaining a sense of balance and calm in the midst of life's ups and downs. (This is also why I'm so thrilled to be consulting as a Program Associate with the Center for Mindful Awareness in Baltimore!) Being able to pause and let go of that urge to come up with a quick fix allows me to step back, see the whole picture, and listen deeply in the unknowing for how best to proceed.

Typically, I would stew over these questions for weeks and months, never getting to the break I was longing for due to indecisiveness that shows up when I am caught up in my monkey mind. This time, as I let myself sit in the questions, I began to notice that the weight of overwhelm was really driven by shoulds rather than any one particular thing I’m doing. The shoulds show up in so many ways: others nudging me to offer a certain class, well-intended advice from a friend or colleague, or my own internal pressure to do more with my business, and certainly more marketing and better newsletters!

What if I took a step back and focused on discerning what is a should as compared to what I really want to do? And dropped anything that’s a should? What if I made decisions about what to do from my heart instead of my head?

The weight began to lift, and my body felt lighter. A summer free of the shoulds felt like the vacation I most need!

Meanwhile, a few tweaks in my schedule have been taking effect, helping to provide more routine and predictability to my weeks, and my body reminded me again to keep slowing down with some lower back pain!  I am looking forward to a should-free summer. It brings the focus within me, which I know is where it needs to be right now-- to pay attention to my motivations, my desires, and how my mind deludes me into thinking I “have to”  or I “want to” for reasons that are not really true. It means getting to know myself better…from the inside out.

That’s the extended vacation I am looking forward to! No more inner battles and obsessive thoughts about what to do. No more stress about needing to "figure it out." No more feeling split and pulled in a million different directions. No more do-ing that isn't in alignment with my be-ing. No more. I want to free up that energy for more creative and productive pursuits that serve me and everyone around me. I'd love some companions on the journey. Who wants to join me on this vacation?! 

So, consider this a vacation notice: You may not see newsletters or blogs like I’ve done them in the past. The thought that I should keep doing them the same way--that others expect it now, so I must deliver!--is one of those shoulds that has been sneakily running the show a bit. Instead, I feel excited to send out smaller, shorter announcements or reflections … whenever I am motivated to from the inside. I might not offer any more Reiki classes until the fall. I may take the whole month of August off from any group events. We'll see where my heart leads me.

What I love most is the freedom on the inside, as I recognize the unreasonable expectations I've had for myself...and the deflating self-judgment when I didn't live up to those expectations. As I let go of all that pressure...aaahhh… what relief! I have a feeling I won’t ever return from this vacation…

It's All Within You

Recently I was interviewed by a college student doing a project on food transitions. As someone with a wide variety of training in nutrition, plenty of experience with my own food transitions, and a fascination with how we are influenced in our decision-making around food, I was eager to do the interview. I didn't think about or prepare anything in particular ahead of time, and was pleasantly surprised by the theme that emerged from our conversation. As I reflected with my interviewer on all I've learned over the years, I kept coming back to the word "within." And while we were focusing on the topic of food, I sensed the holographic connection to all areas of life.

We are bombarded daily with messages about what we "should" eat, or how to be "healthy." From profit-motivated ads and commercials to research-driven advice or your aunt's well-intentioned suggestions... it's practically impossible to avoid being influenced by the media, someone else's opinion/experience, or the latest fad diet or "expert." The amusing (or sad, depending how you look at it) thing is that 100 years ago, people weren't looking for guidance about what to eat! In less than a century we have lost touch with the wisdom of our bodies, the rhythms of the land and seasons, and are easily overwhelmed by the myriad of choices coming at us from profit-driven factories around the world.

Lately, I've noticed myself turning to external sources for the "answers" to my health challenges and life questions. It's a natural tendency that creeps up again and again, since I've been conditioned for so many years to look outside myself for the quick fix. Yet I know my body and heart have the answers when I get still and connected enough to listen above the cacaphony of external voices. (I'm not saying there isn't a place for support from others, even doctors. I simply think we've lost the balance that would best serve our own health and the health of the planet.)

It's past time to turn our modern relationship to food and nature upside-down... returning to the the wisdom and guidance within. Here are a few practices I have used and taught over the years:

• Pay attention to how you feel after eating a particular food and learn from it.
• Take 3 deep breaths before each meal, connecting to the energy of gratitude in your heart.
• Slow down and pay attention enough to actually taste and savor each bite, allowing it to nourish you deeply on physical and non-physical levels. (This means turning off the TV or getting away from the computer!)
• Start your day (or pause in the midst of it) with a few minutes of mindfulness/meditation to calm your busy mind and connect to your center.

I would be a much more agitated and unhappy person without practices like these in my life. Some days they are easier than others. Some days I forget and get wrapped up in my thoughts and worries. Each day, each moment, is an opportunity to return and begin again.

What I took away from my food-related interview was a deeper level of conviction that the answers to our nutritional dilemmas--and ultimately, all of our questions in life--lie within us. The seed of Divine wisdom is there, in each and every person. The journey of life is about watering and tending that seed, so that it grows to it's fullest potential, expressed through the symphonic gift of the individual.

May deeper connection to the God-seed within guide you peacefully in all ways.

With great-fullness,
Andrea

Springing Into Song

The energy of Springtime is rising, despite Winter hanging on and pelting us in the Mid-Atlantic with yet more snow. The new life in and around us is pushing and yearning to see the light of day. It can be frustrating in the darkness before breaking ground to meet the sun's warmth. And aahhhh... the relief when it does!  I felt the rush of joy within me today as I noticed a crocus for the first time, and then saw nearly 20 robins hopping about a patch of grass near a busy intersection. The signs are here....within and without.

Within me, I've noticed the nudges of spring energy and new life. I am giving birth this month to something that has been on my mind for many months: Singing Meditation. I've gone back and forth, up and down, doing my best to discern if this is something to give energy to, and if so... when, where, how? 

The clarity slowly emerged from various experiences in spaces that take me beyond the chatter of my mind to a deeper, heart-centered place. I've paid attention to the times I am most deeply moved, to when my emotions are stirred, and when I feel most alive. For me, that is around singing. I can't deny it or explain it away any more. I am inspired by music, uplifted when I sing, and transported when toning with others during the Deep Resonance sessions I facilitate.

Music expresses that which can not be put into words  

and that which cannot remain silent.     

     ~ Victor Hugo 1802-1885

So, now I am thrilled to introduce a space where we can share the healing power of our voices and silent meditation. You can find more details about it here. Let me be honest about the clarity, though. I'm only clear that, like the recording of my CD several years ago, this is the next step for me to take. I don't know exactly what it will be like or where it is leading. I simply know it's time to spring into song... and I welcome you to join me in the mystery and adventure! (No singing experience or expertise required.)

What is the Springtime energy stirring within you? What is wanting to be birthed in or through you? Let go and allow the gift to emerge--even in the presence of fear and uncertainty.

I'd love to hear about it...and I'm here to support you!

Turning overwhelm upside-down

This post is evidence of a re-commitment. It's all too often I fall off the band wagon of my good intentions. Thankfully, falling off is not the point.

The point is...  Can I pick myself up, dust myself off, let go of self-judgment about it, and get back on the wagon?

I can do that relatively well at times, and other times it requires loving support from someone, or even a good kick in the pants. This time it was loving support--from a friend/colleague checking in with me, as we had arranged last week, for mutual support on a goal--and helping me see the self-judgment that was creeping in. Once I could see it, I was able to let it go and nimbly hop back on the wagon.

The wagon I speak of today represents a return to the practice of "chunking it down" -- an approach to overwhelm (yes, I'll admit I hit that place more often than I would like) that Betsy Wexler (a colleague who expertly combines organization support with therapy and Buddhist principles) has been supporting me in applying more consistently in my life. It's a process of turning those old habits upside-down.

When there's a task or project that I keep putting off, it's usually because I am overwhelmed by it and think I need a whole day (or even a week) to tackle it. Who has that kind of time?! So, I procrastinate or entertain excuses why it's not important. We're talking about the basic stuff of life here. The pile of clothing (that simply needs a button replaced or a hole mended--which I'm perfectly capable of doing) just doesn't seem important enough to warrant my attention right now. Those stacks of last year's finance records can wait--I'll get to it eventually. And the basket full of business cards--oh my! Is it even worth putting them all in a database? What kind of system is best? At least I have them all contained here in the basket so I know where to go if I need to find someone. Until I can't... and the basket is overflowing, and it takes excessive time to dig through and find someone's info.

That's when the unnecessary suffering shows up and overwhelm easily sets in. Bringing me to my new practice of chunking overwhelming tasks down:  setting a short time frame to work on it, and committing to doing it on a regular basis. So, today it's 30 minutes to write a blog. If I'm not done at 30 minutes, I'll stop (yikes, that's the hard part if I'm on a roll!) and come back to it tomorrow. I'm working on the same for my basket of biz cards and emptying my overloaded Inbox -- just 10 minutes a day, and it will eventually get done without feeling overwhelming. And the larger projects when I do have a couple hours... I work for 45 minutes, with a 15 minute break, then another 45 and 15. Well, that's my intention, anyway. I haven't tackled that approach solidly yet. However, I do have the intention to this week.
 ____________

OK... so now it's the next day. It feels good to revisit this essentially complete blog I wrote in only 30 minutes (wow--that's a record for this recovering perfectionist!), give it a few editorial tweaks, and be done.

And the 45-minute chunk I gave myself yesterday to tackle the stacks of receipts from the last year (actually, I think it was two years) that were cluttering a cubby hole in my office? Done! I'm breathing easier with that clear space in my environment.

Here's to turning old habitual ways upside-down, with focused commitment and follow-through... and the loving support from within and without to make it happen!

What will you commit to today?

Occupying My Dream

I am starting to live my dream. Literally.

Last week I was grateful to be at the debut screening of the film Occupy Love here in Baltimore. Several words and phrases jumped off the screen as they resonated deeply with visions, images and ideas that have been stirring within me for years - new ways of expressing and inviting us to that which is being born in the world at this time of great chaos and great potential.

“Imagine non-monetary abundance” was the first one I wrote down. It was on a cardboard sign someone was carrying in the crowd of people at an Occupy event. What a perfect phrase to capture what I am super passionate about... and what is also at the core of the non-profit I started, Community Supported Wellness. (More on that in a bit.)

I am humbled and inspired by the ways I've been experiencing non-monetary abundance in my life recently. After getting clear that a change of my living location is important to pursue in the near future, a more-than-I-could-ask-or-imagine place showed up within 5 minutes of sending an email to friends asking for leads and connections. Then, soon after I had been entertaining fears about finding enough people and not having the funds to hire others, several friends volunteered out of the blue to help me move. Several “coincidences” nudged me to show up at the Occupy Love screening despite there being a super long list of things to get done at home... and within minutes of being there, I bumped into an acquaintance who I didn't know has non-profit consulting experience and offered to join my advisory board before I could even get the words out of my mouth to ask! And the love, connection, community, resources and opportunities that flowed from the sharing and discussion time after the film.

These are a few of the cornucopia opening up in recent weeks. I could go on and on.

And, I'm no one special. I didn't do anything to deserve these gifts any more than someone else. I've spent more hours, days, weeks and months of my life stuck in fearful scarcity-based thinking that blocked me from believing I could receive so much abundance without it being attached to or somehow made possible by a flow of money.

At the same time, I recognize that it's not totally random either. I have been doing the inner work to let go of that fear, and the self-limiting beliefs and societal conditioning that one needs to have lots of money to be happy or experience abundance. Abundance is actually what we are at our core. But more on that another time...

As Community Supported Wellness has been slowly evolving over recent years, I occasionally thought that perhaps the simple living-out of the dream and vision - of connection to ourselves, each other and the Earth in ways that wake us up to the “non-monetary abundance” in and around us to the point that “poverty” is no longer a useful term - that imagining and even living that day to day is perhaps more powerful than developing programs and chasing grant money to do them.

Perhaps there's a new way emerging. A way of BEing that which we desire... of presence-ing what appears to be missing. I've been moving in that direction and continue to experience more and more examples that it is a powerful avenue to true transformation and true abundance.

What if we imagined what non-monetary abundance looks like—in our own hearts, minds, families and communities? What if we tapped into our abundant potential and infinite creativity and began to take steps to live it? What if we occupied our deepest dreams?

It's already happening all over the globe. Go see Occupy Love. Catch the vision....especially the unique one that is within you.

And stay tuned for what continues to evolve from mine as I occupy my dream.

Please join me in occupying yours. I'd love to hear what it is and what you notice. And remember... it IS possible.

 The survival and thriving of our species depends on it.

The Illusion of Balance

As we near the Autumnal Equinox this Saturday, I've been reflecting on balance. I often hear myself and others talk about balance as something we strive to attain. It is common to think that once we attain it, we should be able to maintain it as well...as though there is some elusive, static state of balance to arrive at.

Life and nature teach us differently. The time point of the equinox signifies a balance between the hours of light and dark in a day--from the Latin aequus (equal) and nox (night). However, it is a brief point in time ... a passing, literally, of the center of the Sun across the Earth's equator. Most of the year,
we are living in an imbalance of light and dark. So, too, in our lives, there is no "perfect balance" to be attained. As the yin/yang symbol illustrates so beautifully, life is in constant motion.

Living well is about dancing with the complementary energies all around us. There are certainly moments when we experience balance. However, the ever-changing and evolving nature of life means that those moments will pass. When we can let go of the illusion that balance is something to achieve and maintain, it allows for greater ease. By not resisting what is showing up in the moment and simply allowing it to be what it is, we can remember that this, too, will pass.

So, I invite you to notice where you are striving for the illusive "balance" in your life, and simply let it go, accepting that where you are right now is perfect ... and knowing that it will continue to change and evolve. I notice that when I relax and stop beating myself up for not maintaining a perfect balance of work and relaxation, giving to others and self-care, or activity and stillness ... my breath deepens, my shoulders relax, and I am definitely a happier person, regardless of whether I ate or exercised perfectly, got in my ideal "down time," or checked everything off my to-do list!

I'll be celebrating the Equinox this weekend, appreciating the areas of my life where I am feeling balanced, and at the same time, letting go of needing to control or maintain them as such. Life is in constant motion. Let's choose to dance with it!

A client self-care story...and video!

The people I support through my healing practice are amazing individuals. They are taking bold steps, opening to new possibilities, breathing through their fears and finding the courage on the other side of that fear coin. As one of my teachers says, "Fear is simply courage without the breath!"

I was particularly honored that Anthony Scimonelli asked me to serve as his faculty advisor for an independent study. As a student in the Transformative Leadership and Social Change program at Tai Sophia Institute, Anthony was embarking on the Independent Study phase of his learning with a focus on self-care and breaking free from old stories and shoulds about writing and publishing his original music.

Among other learning activities, Anthony came for regular Reiki and Sound Healing sessions, which assisted him in opening to new possibilities and ways of being in his life. He discovered patterns of harshness, striving, and efforting that took a toll on his physical, mental and emotional health. I coached him to partner those patterns with a gentler and more nurturing approach, particularly in how he spoke and related to himself. As he took steps to express his creativity through original music, he broke free from old personal and family stories that he wasn't good enough to perform on his own. It was a joy to watch him move through the fears, create and honor space in his life for music practice, and proudly share the results with me and others.

Anthony is an audiovisual expert by day, and also loves to use those skills in his creative life. So he designed his Independent Study to include a music video chronicling his experience. It is now on YouTube (check it out!) and includes the first song he has recorded on his way to producing an album. Congratulations, Anthony!

I feel fortunate to be doing work that is so deeply rewarding. What a gift to be a companion to Anthony and so many others, as they break free from what is holding them back from bringing their unique and authentic gifts to the world. Kudos to all of them for honoring self-care as an important step to owning, embodying and sharing their gifts with the world.I am humbled and grateful for their trust in me as a partner on the journey.

Birthing Pains

I don't need to tell you about the massive challenges and changes going on around the world. The headlines are full of natural disasters, wars, economic roller coasters, a growing gap between the rich and the poor--you name it. And while it can seem like things are as bad as they can get, I think they are going to get much worse before they get better. I don’t say this to stir up fear. There is nothing to be afraid of. As the labor pains of childbirth can be painful and continue to intensify, so too are we in a time of intensification that can feel scary and be painful. Yet the beauty of new life—a true miracle—is waiting to emerge. It is a natural process...one we don't have to be afraid of.

This is true for each of us, and for our whole planet. With the end of the Mayan calendar, we are moving into a new Age of great possibility--one of greater wisdom, collaboration and respect for each other and the Earth. However, the old ways are still crumbling, and it is up to us to co-create a new reality on our planet. We are being called to release our clinging to external forms of guidance and support and strengthen our connection to the wisdom, intuition and spiritual guidance that comes from within.

To the extent that we choose to release our fearful and egoic tendencies to stay comfortable and maintain the status quo, it will be a painful process. Resisting the contractions of childbirth only only intensify the pain and difficulty of the process. Instead, learning to BE and flow with the changes, staying connected to our hearts, and making choices in alignment with our authentic self and guidance from Spirit will allow us to move more quickly and easily through this time of transition.

Here's to a more awake, conscious, authentic, respectful and loving society where we ALL are valued and supported to contribute our unique gifts, and live in harmony with ourselves, each other, and the planet...for the sake of the generations to come. I am excited to be creating such a reality with you, in service to the Oneness that is in and through us all.

Mycelial Musings

I continue to witness many people’s lives being turned upside-down in recent months. And while mine hasn’t changed a whole lot from outward appearance, I certainly feel like I’ve been on a never-ending trajectory of internal change and transformation for quite a few years now. As I’ve continued to sit with the “gift of the fungi” (see previous entry), the applications to my life have slowly unfolded . . .

So here I am, 14 months after my first “aha” moment about letting go and the process of decay in the West Virginian woods, and almost 6 months since I was astounded by numerous unique mushrooms in the verdant August woods of upstate New York. Maybe I’m a slow learner that it’s taken this long to gain clarity about why the mushrooms were turning my head. I do know I am a beginner at many things, including seeing the larger picture of my life and integrating the lessons and metaphors that are ever present to teach and guide me. Over these recent months, this fungi metaphor has been simmering within me, and I am harvesting more and more of its application to my life as I learn about the life cycle of mushrooms.

The majority of mushrooms are saprophytic decomposers, which recycle the carbon, nitrogen, oxygen and minerals of dead plants, insects and animals into rich soil. A single fungus can actually kill a large forest, and in so doing, develops deeper soil layers that support the emergence of taller stands of trees. When conditions are right, the microscopic spores that have been released from the gills of a previous mushroom will begin to reproduce by forming interconnected threads (hyphae) that grow and branch, creating a mycelial mat. These mycelium (which look very similar to pictures of brain cell networks, information-sharing systems of the Internet, and computer models of dark matter of the universe) are the source from which mushrooms arise, some sprouting forth, releasing their spores and disintegrating within days, and others lasting for months or years.

This metaphor has been most pertinent for me in terms of my work and business. As I’ve been letting go of my private practice in the form that it was for several years, I’ve noticed that conditions arose to create more connections with others that are supporting the germination of new growth and possibilities for my work. I have a sense that the mycelial mat of my life has been growing in ways I can only glimpse now and then. At the same time, various “mushrooms” have been sprouting forth in the form of upside-down parties, workshops, sound healing events and even cooking winter soups for my neighbors! As different mushrooms sprout up and die quickly while others last for years, so, too, a few of these new ventures will be short-lived and others more enduring.

During this time of change and transition, I’ve experienced my share of discouragement and overwhelm. When something doesn’t take off like I think it will, or the interest (mine or others’) seems to fizzle out as fast as it came, I tend to wonder if I’m wasting my energy. The voices in my head are varied and numerous: Why can’t I seem to get it together and create a “successful” business? What are the offerings that will most serve others, be rewarding work for me, and also help pay the bills? What "should" I focus on?

What the fungi are teaching me is to trust in the Oneness and beauty of the exquisite cycle of life. Perhaps this is simply the time in my life when these various “mushroom projects” are recycling the nutrients from my varied trainings and former practice. As they do so, they are nourishing and preparing the soil of my life for the future “trees” waiting to sprout forth when the conditions are right. How much unnecessary suffering might I avoid if I hold each experience and opportunity as one that is enriching the soil of my life to support the next growth cycle…no matter whether it unfolds perfectly or looks “successful” according to society’s standards? Can I be still in the discomfort of things looking and feeling somewhat upside-down for awhile?

They say what goes up must come down, and perhaps what we lay down intentionally will eventually rise up in new form. In the process of letting go into the deep dark soil of confusion and unknowing over the past several years, I am taking comfort in nature’s promise that the seeds of tall firs, magnificent maples and stately oaks have been resting quietly. In due time, they will sprout forth from the enriched soil of this fungi stage of my life.

Reference:
Mycelium Running, by Paul Stamets, Ten Speed Press, 2005.

The Gift of the Fungi

The Gift of the Fungi

Recently, I enjoyed some vacation time away in the woods—a healing and inspiring environment for me. In the past, I have found myself attracted to the trees, soaking up the rich metaphors of rootedness, seed potential, and strength, as well as their sheer regal being-ness. This time, however, I noticed that I wasn’t connecting with the trees so much. It was the fungi that stopped me in my tracks time and time again. The blue ones in particular--I had never seen blue mushrooms that I could recall. And then there were the yellow ones, the umbrella white ones, the flat, the shelf-like and the head-turning voluptuous orange cascades. What is this about? … I had to wonder.

After a few days of pondering, I pieced together the very little I know about this unusual species with the fact that most of them were growing on old decaying logs and stumps, and I realized the metaphors were a continuation of the insights I had received during a similar retreat time last fall. So, let me back up…

As I went out for a little walk on the first morning of a 3-day personal retreat last October, I noticed the many fallen tree logs lying around and the growing depth of leaves the trees were dropping. I am always moved by the message of letting go, and the falling leaves provide such a vivid reminder. It struck me in that moment that while the trees let go of the leaves, the leaves don’t simply disappear into thin air never to be seen again. Neither does a tree that has died. It takes months—sometimes even years—for them to become unrecognizable as the tree form they were when they died. This taught me that what I was letting go of also didn’t need to disappear overnight. I could slowly shift my focus to new areas and allow that piece of my life to continue on a slow path of decay.

Minutes later, I found a small log to perch on and settled into absorbing the beauty and quiet around me. Immediately, I noticed a sound nearby and instinctively turned my head. I quickly detected where it was coming from on the ground, but couldn’t quite tell what it was. Curiosity got the best of me, and I slowly got closer until I recognized a praying mantis munching on what appeared to be a cricket! I cringed as I identified with the cricket and its demise as breakfast to a praying mantis. I recognized that I was turned off by what I perceived to be a loud and violent meal, not to mention the disturbance to my peaceful moment.

And then the truth of the situation slowly dawned on me. This is simply the cycle of life. As the leaves and logs slowly decay and eventually provide nutrients to the soil and plants, so, too, does the death of the cricket provide nourishment to the praying mantis. Indeed, this is happening around us and in us all the time! How many plants and animals die daily to provide our bodies with nourishment? It’s the cycle of life—simple, natural, and perfect.

So, back to my recent fungi fest: here was the new growth springing up in all its variety and splendor from the decaying matter. I was witnessing life emerging from death. How cool! Mother Nature, in her beautiful way, was reminding me that I don’t need to hold on so tightly. If and when I am willing to let go, there is likely to be something amazing that arises from it.

And what might this have to do with my life or upside-down living, you might wonder? I think I’ll save that for my next entry… giving you a little time to ponder the metaphors and allow fungi to be not only something tasty and nutritious to eat, but also your teacher. I find the insights and messages I receive from nature to be a most precious gift.

upside-down professionalism

Here we are, only a week after the barrage of holiday and New Year festivities, which for most involves a plethora of cookies, chocolate, alcohol, and miscellaneous sugar-laden treats. While I managed to get through the season without receiving a candy cane attached to a card (as a matter of fact, I don’t think I even saw a candy cane this year), I still need to admit: I over-did it. After several weeks of sliding into loose boundaries with my sugar, wheat and dairy intake, my body has been talking to me in ways I don’t enjoy. The digestive woes, stiff joints in the morning, scratchy throat, mildly stuffy sinuses, extra dry skin and facial breakouts are what I’ve come to recognize as warning signs that my eating has gotten out of balance.

There—I said it. I got out of balance and was eating way more food than my body wants or needs, and making poor choices. (If you know me and were holding me up as a nutrition saint, now you know I’m not perfect!) While my close friends and family see me enjoying sugar-laden desserts and over-eating at times, it’s not easy to admit to an audience that includes clients and potential clients. Yet, I find a wonderful freedom in speaking the truth. I know I’m not perfect and I don’t want to hide behind a mask that I am.

It’s interesting to me that even though I teach an approach of moderation and not labeling foods as “good” or “bad,” I still have resistance to admitting that I’ve overdone it with foods I know don’t make me feel well. Perhaps this is strong evidence of how modern culture has moralized food. And perhaps, too, I’ve created a story that if I encourage my clients to be listening to their bodies and minimizing the processed foods that don’t make them feel well, I should be perfect at doing that myself. (Hmmm, there's that should word again, a trusty red flag.) On one hand it seems reasonable—I certainly want to be someone who walks her talk. Yet on the other hand, who is perfect? As a great teacher once said, "Let them cast the first stone."

Where did this expectation come from that someone providing a professional service must be squeaky clean …as though they’ve “arrived” at some state of perfection? I certainly have heaped that expectation on myself time and time again, striving for that perfect state of eating and balance that seems to elude us all. And while I prefer to be tended by professionals who walk their talk, I have also fallen prey to the common practice of putting that expectation on professionals who serve me…and when they occasionally step outside the typical rules around self-disclosure to share their own stories and shortcomings, I breathe a sigh of relief, and feel the tension in my gut and shoulders melt away, as I am reminded of their humanness and imperfections.

Might a more upside-down approach of being real and honest about our experiences as professionals serve our clients in a deeper way? While there’s a fine line here between sharing our experiences appropriately and inappropriately, I think the typical “sage on a stage” approach that focuses on “fixing” the client or the symptom does more harm than good. Personally, I resist and close down when someone fires advice and “shoulds” at me, as though if I just did _____, everything would be fine and dandy. I usually don’t want to go back to see that person, and I hear similar reports from my clients. On the contrary, when they partner with me without judgment, and share their human side, I am less likely to be overly hard on myself, and can move beyond my perceived shortcomings to accomplish what I’m aiming for, to the best of my ability.

Such is the type of support I aim to provide to my clients: heart-centered, real, and authentic, with the central aim of serving and empowering them in their unique process toward greater authenticity and freedom, health and happiness. I am certainly a beginner at this. I’m counting the past several weeks of sugar addiction as a valuable lesson (rather than a moral failure) that provided me with a wake-up call to my own eating issues, gave me a greater understanding for my clients’ struggles, and revealed a motivating contrast to how I’ll feel after a few sugar-free days. Now ... on to the detox!

Embracing the Darkness

Along with the ghosts and witches of Halloween hoopla, we also said good-bye last weekend to the last shreds of daylight in the evening, as Daylight Savings Time ended. While I welcome the light earlier in the morning, there's something about the early settling darkness that can be, well ... un-settling. As we move into the four darkest months of the year, many people struggle with lower moods or depression (known as SAD--Seasonal Affective Disorder).

I am intrigued with what might be underlying contributors to this common experience in our society. From a Traditional Chinese Medicine or philosophy perspective, the darkness is the balancing opposite of the light (as the yin/yang symbol beautifully portrays), and nature provides a concrete example of how to find balance in our lives. Just as much of nature takes a rest in winter to restore and prepare for another Spring, so we need more rest and down time in winter to restore our energy levels from the high-energy activity of summer and prepare for the coming spring.

So, why is the dark time of the year so difficult? Certainly there are many factors that contribute, and I propose that the association of darkness with the feminine is one of them. The masculine (yang) is associated with light, day, heat, action and upward, outward movement. The feminine (yin) is associated with the opposites of dark, night, cold, rest and downward, inward movement and reflection, and also with expression of emotions. It doesn't take much to recognize that our society is a bit imbalanced toward the yang. The social conditioning by messages to achieve, to pull ourselves up (by our bootstraps, of course), to climb the ladder of success, keep growing and earning more, and go for the limelight, are strong. We might be frowned upon or criticized if we are perceived to be doing nothing. Needing to rest or take a break is seen as weak in some circles.

The feminine has long been suppressed in our collective consciousness. While we've come a long way with women's equality issues, the oppression continues. In addition to blatant sexism, I say it shows up in subtle ways, like fear of the dark, the expression of emotions being seen as weak, and a disregard for the benefits of rest, silence and downtime.

What if we uncovered some of our unconscious beliefs and shifted them to embrace the qualities of the feminine? What if we broke away from the societal norms and, instead of resisting the darkness, embraced it by truly honoring our body's need for rest and our heart's need to feel the sadness or anger? What might be possible if we honored emotions as guidance from our soul, and viewed the darkness as an opportunity to restore, reflect and grow?

If our culture embraced the feminine and the darkness as valuable, and society encouraged self-reflection and more rest during the dark months of the year, might there be less suffering? less SAD? It begins with our thoughts and beliefs, which lead to our behaviors. If you notice yourself resisting the darkness in the coming weeks, join me in embracing it as a valuable balance to the light...a time to rest, reflect, honor the feelings that come up, and give yourself permission to bow out of some holiday craziness. You might be surprised by what shows up.

Letting go of shoulds

So, it's been a few months since I've reflected here--somewhat tumultuous months for me. (Was it the seasonal transition? My milestone of turning 40? Who knows?) When I've been able to extract myself from the all-too-familiar negative mental/emotional spiral around not having enough time, not being good enough, not having clarity and focus, and simply observe my personal dynamic, I've noticed yet another layer of shoulds I've been listening to: I should be blogging every week. I should be able to keep my garden in pristine shape. I should've cleaned the bathtub long ago. I should have a great website put together by now (or by a year ago!). I should be marketing and advertising like so-and-so. I should be caught up with my QuickBooks, be making lots of connections on facebook, and doing the whole laundry list of things that a "good" business owner does! And, I really should know by now how to not fall into these pits of overwhelm and fear. (Even now as I write, I'm observing thoughts that I should have a good metaphor example woven into my writing in order for this to really be a good blog!) I should be doing more, accomplishing more, doing it all better.... You get the picture.

While my perfectionistic streak may be a bit overblown than most, I know from hearing others' stories that my experience isn't an isolated scenario. No surprise there, in our striving, dress-to-impress, more-is-better culture. It's not easy to turn this monster upside-down and find peace and satisfaction with less--on the inside rather than the outside. Or maybe it's not that it's so hard. Might it be that we simply don't receive nearly as many messages and encouragement to honor and listen to our own inner Truth? Perhaps we simply haven't practiced tuning in.

Despite the many reminders I have received to listen to my own inner voice and truth, I often found myself swimming in a pool of confusion in recent months, pulled this way and that by the voices all around me. They aren't bad or wrong voices, and many are well meaning. However, they aren't mine. And if I'm living my life to please others, or avoid criticism, or deliver what I think others want, I'm not really living my life, am I?

Learning to hear my own voice among the cacaphony of shoulds and expert advice has been, and continues to be an adventure. When I let go of calling it "hard" and allow myself to be a beginner at it, I can step back and be amused. "How fascinating! There I go again--thinking I need to do whatever _________ said I should. " Being free from any and all "should thoughts" is likely next to impossible in our human experience. The bottom line, perhaps, is whether we listen and act according to them. Each time I see the shoulds for what they are--someone else's ideas, assumptions or conclusions--and come back to myself, I peel back yet another layer of the onion that obscures my whole and authentic Self.

I love this time of year, as the leaves provide such a clear and tangible metaphor for letting go. With their inspiration, I am letting go of the voices in my head that say I should've done a better job writing this. It is what it is--my voice.

What if.....?

The current gridlock in Congress about healthcare reform is yet another reminder that our system does not have the public's true health and wellness interests at the center. Is it really a healthcare system? Or a wealthcare system for insurance companies? What kind of reform will our current system need to ensure that everyone has access to quality, affordable healthcare? Is it possible? I certainly don't know the answers, and I'm not sure anyone does.

However, I am dreaming of an alternative system. What if we had community-based wellness centers that provided direct acess to education and prevention of chronic disease? What if such a center would value relationship over transaction? What if those centers were accessible to everyone, regardless of income? What if the services were MOST accessible to those who were the sickest, who needed the services most? What if the focus was on removing the root causes of symptoms, and helping the body heal naturally, with the smallest possible intervention? What if we all pitched in according to our income and ability to pay...for the sake of the health of the whole community? What if... ? What would you like to see? Will you dream with me? ... and help make it a reality?

In the words of my teacher, acupuncturist, and friend, Melora Scanlon, this is "a dream that wants to be dreamt through us."

Deep Nourishment: What step will you take?

I just spent a lovely evening at the Anne Arundel Co. meeting of On Purpose Networking for Women. In my 5 minute presentation, I did an abbreviated Raisin Meditation and talked about getting pleasure from food and--even more importantly--from non-food sources. In a culture that's overfed and undernourished physically, I say there's also a deeper malnutrition on the soul level.

For years, I suppressed who I really was in order to please others and meet unreasonable expectations--both theirs and mine. I was numb to my feelings, cut off from my true self, and living by the "shoulds." It's been an interesting journey over the past decade, of learning how to nourish myself on all levels. I've slowly been waking up, breaking free from all that oppressed and suppressed my unique voice, and learning to savor the sacredness in everything. An amazing adventure, really, that I will be on for the rest of my life.

How might your life (and specifically your relationship with food) be different if you slowed down to savor each bite of food, and nourished yourself deeply in non-food ways. Here's the question I left the group with tonight, and I ask it of you as well: What step will you take to break free from the "shoulds" and deeply nourish yourself in the next 24 hours?

Honor what comes up for you, even if you or others might perceive it as a little "upside-down." For me, after a 12-hour work day today, it just might be a nap in the middle of the day tomorrow (when I "should" be working).

I'd love to hear about what you did and how it affected you, and look forward to reading your comments!

Hungry

Halfway through my humble bowl of dinner, I realize I am lost in thoughts about something two months away, and barely conscious of the fact that I am shoveling in the next bite before I've finished chewing the last one. I'm enjoying the flavors, and yet not really taking them in - instead, unconsciously hungering for another"hit" in the next bite.

The metaphor of my life reflected in the moment washes over me. Why so "hungry?" What am I seeking in my frantic rush to read another book, learn another skill, do another "good" thing? When will my heart get what my head now knows - that it's all within me? ... that I already have everything I need?

I pause, put my fork down, and slow my chewing. The flavors are richer as I hold the food in my mouth and actually chew it until it's liquid consistency. I breathe deeper and slower, calling myself back from my busy mind's distractions several more times before I've savored the last bite. I can feel the tension washing away, and my stomach thanks me for the gentler approach with contented gurgles.

It's a life-long practice, I remind myself--this slowing down. A bit of upside-down living I'm committed to in the midst of the mad rush of modern life. Grateful for the holographic connectedness of life, I trust that even these 10 minutes of choosing to be awake to my food will create more presence and satisfaction in my non-food moments.

upside-down living

People have been asking: What exactly is "upside-down living?" My response is usually: What does it mean to you? What images or actions or ideas does it bring to mind? It will mean different things to different people, so there's no particular definition to it. Really--I encourage you to take a moment to reflect, before reading on: How would my life be different if I lived it upside-down? What's one way that I do--or could--live upside-down? Notice the first thing that pops into your mind, even if it seems bizarre.

I've had various ideas about what it means to me, or what it might mean for others, for society. This is the first time I'm putting any of it into formal writing, so let's see what comes to the surface in the next 10 minutes! Living upside-down could be about . . . not joining facebook just because everyone else is doing it . . . picking up trash and recycling even when the neighbors look at you funny . . . living according to my own feelings, opinions and desires, rather than everyone else's . . . crying in front of others--without shame . . . actually listening to my body and what it wants/needs, rather than all the "experts," . . . taking a real lunch break . . . taking the bus . . . facing my fears . . . s-l-o-w-i-n-g d-o-w-n . . . dancing through the daffodils like no one is watching . . . not wearing a bra just because I'm "supposed to" . . . smiling at a stranger--just because . . . paying a bit more for local organic food . . .

The possibilities are endless. See how many you can come up with in 1 minute. I'd love to see your list!

Gratitude Over Compote

(written February 28, 2009)

One of my favorite sweet desserts in the winter is a fruit compote, gently simmered until the fruit flesh softens, giving up its juices to blend with spice and syrup for a delicious and comforting ending to a meal. In this case, it consisted of organic apples and pears, raisins, a squeezed lemon, cinnamon, a dash of cloves, and some maple syrup. An added bonus was that it simmered for several hours on an old wood-burning cook stove, absorbing the cozy ambiance of the fire in the retreat space I was enjoying. As I savored the sweet, tart and spicy flavors mingling on my tongue, I found these words of gratitude flowing through my stream of thoughts:

Thank you, oh fruit of the vine
for offering up your life to
sustain mine
Thank you vine
for generously giving
of your harvest
And the trees contributing fruit, blood, bark and flower
Thank you

Thanks be to the Source from which it all comes
And to which we all return

In that moment I touched a deeper place in myself--a place that knows no separation between my body and Mother Earth. We are inextricably connected in this dance of Life...and I, so often numb or distracted in my busyness, miss that connection; a connection that feeds my soul - and, I say, offers the true solution to our planet's current peril. Oh, that I might touch that place more often...