A client self-care story...and video!

The people I support through my healing practice are amazing individuals. They are taking bold steps, opening to new possibilities, breathing through their fears and finding the courage on the other side of that fear coin. As one of my teachers says, "Fear is simply courage without the breath!"

I was particularly honored that Anthony Scimonelli asked me to serve as his faculty advisor for an independent study. As a student in the Transformative Leadership and Social Change program at Tai Sophia Institute, Anthony was embarking on the Independent Study phase of his learning with a focus on self-care and breaking free from old stories and shoulds about writing and publishing his original music.

Among other learning activities, Anthony came for regular Reiki and Sound Healing sessions, which assisted him in opening to new possibilities and ways of being in his life. He discovered patterns of harshness, striving, and efforting that took a toll on his physical, mental and emotional health. I coached him to partner those patterns with a gentler and more nurturing approach, particularly in how he spoke and related to himself. As he took steps to express his creativity through original music, he broke free from old personal and family stories that he wasn't good enough to perform on his own. It was a joy to watch him move through the fears, create and honor space in his life for music practice, and proudly share the results with me and others.

Anthony is an audiovisual expert by day, and also loves to use those skills in his creative life. So he designed his Independent Study to include a music video chronicling his experience. It is now on YouTube (check it out!) and includes the first song he has recorded on his way to producing an album. Congratulations, Anthony!

I feel fortunate to be doing work that is so deeply rewarding. What a gift to be a companion to Anthony and so many others, as they break free from what is holding them back from bringing their unique and authentic gifts to the world. Kudos to all of them for honoring self-care as an important step to owning, embodying and sharing their gifts with the world.I am humbled and grateful for their trust in me as a partner on the journey.

Birthing Pains

I don't need to tell you about the massive challenges and changes going on around the world. The headlines are full of natural disasters, wars, economic roller coasters, a growing gap between the rich and the poor--you name it. And while it can seem like things are as bad as they can get, I think they are going to get much worse before they get better. I don’t say this to stir up fear. There is nothing to be afraid of. As the labor pains of childbirth can be painful and continue to intensify, so too are we in a time of intensification that can feel scary and be painful. Yet the beauty of new life—a true miracle—is waiting to emerge. It is a natural process...one we don't have to be afraid of.

This is true for each of us, and for our whole planet. With the end of the Mayan calendar, we are moving into a new Age of great possibility--one of greater wisdom, collaboration and respect for each other and the Earth. However, the old ways are still crumbling, and it is up to us to co-create a new reality on our planet. We are being called to release our clinging to external forms of guidance and support and strengthen our connection to the wisdom, intuition and spiritual guidance that comes from within.

To the extent that we choose to release our fearful and egoic tendencies to stay comfortable and maintain the status quo, it will be a painful process. Resisting the contractions of childbirth only only intensify the pain and difficulty of the process. Instead, learning to BE and flow with the changes, staying connected to our hearts, and making choices in alignment with our authentic self and guidance from Spirit will allow us to move more quickly and easily through this time of transition.

Here's to a more awake, conscious, authentic, respectful and loving society where we ALL are valued and supported to contribute our unique gifts, and live in harmony with ourselves, each other, and the planet...for the sake of the generations to come. I am excited to be creating such a reality with you, in service to the Oneness that is in and through us all.

Mycelial Musings

I continue to witness many people’s lives being turned upside-down in recent months. And while mine hasn’t changed a whole lot from outward appearance, I certainly feel like I’ve been on a never-ending trajectory of internal change and transformation for quite a few years now. As I’ve continued to sit with the “gift of the fungi” (see previous entry), the applications to my life have slowly unfolded . . .

So here I am, 14 months after my first “aha” moment about letting go and the process of decay in the West Virginian woods, and almost 6 months since I was astounded by numerous unique mushrooms in the verdant August woods of upstate New York. Maybe I’m a slow learner that it’s taken this long to gain clarity about why the mushrooms were turning my head. I do know I am a beginner at many things, including seeing the larger picture of my life and integrating the lessons and metaphors that are ever present to teach and guide me. Over these recent months, this fungi metaphor has been simmering within me, and I am harvesting more and more of its application to my life as I learn about the life cycle of mushrooms.

The majority of mushrooms are saprophytic decomposers, which recycle the carbon, nitrogen, oxygen and minerals of dead plants, insects and animals into rich soil. A single fungus can actually kill a large forest, and in so doing, develops deeper soil layers that support the emergence of taller stands of trees. When conditions are right, the microscopic spores that have been released from the gills of a previous mushroom will begin to reproduce by forming interconnected threads (hyphae) that grow and branch, creating a mycelial mat. These mycelium (which look very similar to pictures of brain cell networks, information-sharing systems of the Internet, and computer models of dark matter of the universe) are the source from which mushrooms arise, some sprouting forth, releasing their spores and disintegrating within days, and others lasting for months or years.

This metaphor has been most pertinent for me in terms of my work and business. As I’ve been letting go of my private practice in the form that it was for several years, I’ve noticed that conditions arose to create more connections with others that are supporting the germination of new growth and possibilities for my work. I have a sense that the mycelial mat of my life has been growing in ways I can only glimpse now and then. At the same time, various “mushrooms” have been sprouting forth in the form of upside-down parties, workshops, sound healing events and even cooking winter soups for my neighbors! As different mushrooms sprout up and die quickly while others last for years, so, too, a few of these new ventures will be short-lived and others more enduring.

During this time of change and transition, I’ve experienced my share of discouragement and overwhelm. When something doesn’t take off like I think it will, or the interest (mine or others’) seems to fizzle out as fast as it came, I tend to wonder if I’m wasting my energy. The voices in my head are varied and numerous: Why can’t I seem to get it together and create a “successful” business? What are the offerings that will most serve others, be rewarding work for me, and also help pay the bills? What "should" I focus on?

What the fungi are teaching me is to trust in the Oneness and beauty of the exquisite cycle of life. Perhaps this is simply the time in my life when these various “mushroom projects” are recycling the nutrients from my varied trainings and former practice. As they do so, they are nourishing and preparing the soil of my life for the future “trees” waiting to sprout forth when the conditions are right. How much unnecessary suffering might I avoid if I hold each experience and opportunity as one that is enriching the soil of my life to support the next growth cycle…no matter whether it unfolds perfectly or looks “successful” according to society’s standards? Can I be still in the discomfort of things looking and feeling somewhat upside-down for awhile?

They say what goes up must come down, and perhaps what we lay down intentionally will eventually rise up in new form. In the process of letting go into the deep dark soil of confusion and unknowing over the past several years, I am taking comfort in nature’s promise that the seeds of tall firs, magnificent maples and stately oaks have been resting quietly. In due time, they will sprout forth from the enriched soil of this fungi stage of my life.

Reference:
Mycelium Running, by Paul Stamets, Ten Speed Press, 2005.

The Gift of the Fungi

The Gift of the Fungi

Recently, I enjoyed some vacation time away in the woods—a healing and inspiring environment for me. In the past, I have found myself attracted to the trees, soaking up the rich metaphors of rootedness, seed potential, and strength, as well as their sheer regal being-ness. This time, however, I noticed that I wasn’t connecting with the trees so much. It was the fungi that stopped me in my tracks time and time again. The blue ones in particular--I had never seen blue mushrooms that I could recall. And then there were the yellow ones, the umbrella white ones, the flat, the shelf-like and the head-turning voluptuous orange cascades. What is this about? … I had to wonder.

After a few days of pondering, I pieced together the very little I know about this unusual species with the fact that most of them were growing on old decaying logs and stumps, and I realized the metaphors were a continuation of the insights I had received during a similar retreat time last fall. So, let me back up…

As I went out for a little walk on the first morning of a 3-day personal retreat last October, I noticed the many fallen tree logs lying around and the growing depth of leaves the trees were dropping. I am always moved by the message of letting go, and the falling leaves provide such a vivid reminder. It struck me in that moment that while the trees let go of the leaves, the leaves don’t simply disappear into thin air never to be seen again. Neither does a tree that has died. It takes months—sometimes even years—for them to become unrecognizable as the tree form they were when they died. This taught me that what I was letting go of also didn’t need to disappear overnight. I could slowly shift my focus to new areas and allow that piece of my life to continue on a slow path of decay.

Minutes later, I found a small log to perch on and settled into absorbing the beauty and quiet around me. Immediately, I noticed a sound nearby and instinctively turned my head. I quickly detected where it was coming from on the ground, but couldn’t quite tell what it was. Curiosity got the best of me, and I slowly got closer until I recognized a praying mantis munching on what appeared to be a cricket! I cringed as I identified with the cricket and its demise as breakfast to a praying mantis. I recognized that I was turned off by what I perceived to be a loud and violent meal, not to mention the disturbance to my peaceful moment.

And then the truth of the situation slowly dawned on me. This is simply the cycle of life. As the leaves and logs slowly decay and eventually provide nutrients to the soil and plants, so, too, does the death of the cricket provide nourishment to the praying mantis. Indeed, this is happening around us and in us all the time! How many plants and animals die daily to provide our bodies with nourishment? It’s the cycle of life—simple, natural, and perfect.

So, back to my recent fungi fest: here was the new growth springing up in all its variety and splendor from the decaying matter. I was witnessing life emerging from death. How cool! Mother Nature, in her beautiful way, was reminding me that I don’t need to hold on so tightly. If and when I am willing to let go, there is likely to be something amazing that arises from it.

And what might this have to do with my life or upside-down living, you might wonder? I think I’ll save that for my next entry… giving you a little time to ponder the metaphors and allow fungi to be not only something tasty and nutritious to eat, but also your teacher. I find the insights and messages I receive from nature to be a most precious gift.

upside-down professionalism

Here we are, only a week after the barrage of holiday and New Year festivities, which for most involves a plethora of cookies, chocolate, alcohol, and miscellaneous sugar-laden treats. While I managed to get through the season without receiving a candy cane attached to a card (as a matter of fact, I don’t think I even saw a candy cane this year), I still need to admit: I over-did it. After several weeks of sliding into loose boundaries with my sugar, wheat and dairy intake, my body has been talking to me in ways I don’t enjoy. The digestive woes, stiff joints in the morning, scratchy throat, mildly stuffy sinuses, extra dry skin and facial breakouts are what I’ve come to recognize as warning signs that my eating has gotten out of balance.

There—I said it. I got out of balance and was eating way more food than my body wants or needs, and making poor choices. (If you know me and were holding me up as a nutrition saint, now you know I’m not perfect!) While my close friends and family see me enjoying sugar-laden desserts and over-eating at times, it’s not easy to admit to an audience that includes clients and potential clients. Yet, I find a wonderful freedom in speaking the truth. I know I’m not perfect and I don’t want to hide behind a mask that I am.

It’s interesting to me that even though I teach an approach of moderation and not labeling foods as “good” or “bad,” I still have resistance to admitting that I’ve overdone it with foods I know don’t make me feel well. Perhaps this is strong evidence of how modern culture has moralized food. And perhaps, too, I’ve created a story that if I encourage my clients to be listening to their bodies and minimizing the processed foods that don’t make them feel well, I should be perfect at doing that myself. (Hmmm, there's that should word again, a trusty red flag.) On one hand it seems reasonable—I certainly want to be someone who walks her talk. Yet on the other hand, who is perfect? As a great teacher once said, "Let them cast the first stone."

Where did this expectation come from that someone providing a professional service must be squeaky clean …as though they’ve “arrived” at some state of perfection? I certainly have heaped that expectation on myself time and time again, striving for that perfect state of eating and balance that seems to elude us all. And while I prefer to be tended by professionals who walk their talk, I have also fallen prey to the common practice of putting that expectation on professionals who serve me…and when they occasionally step outside the typical rules around self-disclosure to share their own stories and shortcomings, I breathe a sigh of relief, and feel the tension in my gut and shoulders melt away, as I am reminded of their humanness and imperfections.

Might a more upside-down approach of being real and honest about our experiences as professionals serve our clients in a deeper way? While there’s a fine line here between sharing our experiences appropriately and inappropriately, I think the typical “sage on a stage” approach that focuses on “fixing” the client or the symptom does more harm than good. Personally, I resist and close down when someone fires advice and “shoulds” at me, as though if I just did _____, everything would be fine and dandy. I usually don’t want to go back to see that person, and I hear similar reports from my clients. On the contrary, when they partner with me without judgment, and share their human side, I am less likely to be overly hard on myself, and can move beyond my perceived shortcomings to accomplish what I’m aiming for, to the best of my ability.

Such is the type of support I aim to provide to my clients: heart-centered, real, and authentic, with the central aim of serving and empowering them in their unique process toward greater authenticity and freedom, health and happiness. I am certainly a beginner at this. I’m counting the past several weeks of sugar addiction as a valuable lesson (rather than a moral failure) that provided me with a wake-up call to my own eating issues, gave me a greater understanding for my clients’ struggles, and revealed a motivating contrast to how I’ll feel after a few sugar-free days. Now ... on to the detox!

Embracing the Darkness

Along with the ghosts and witches of Halloween hoopla, we also said good-bye last weekend to the last shreds of daylight in the evening, as Daylight Savings Time ended. While I welcome the light earlier in the morning, there's something about the early settling darkness that can be, well ... un-settling. As we move into the four darkest months of the year, many people struggle with lower moods or depression (known as SAD--Seasonal Affective Disorder).

I am intrigued with what might be underlying contributors to this common experience in our society. From a Traditional Chinese Medicine or philosophy perspective, the darkness is the balancing opposite of the light (as the yin/yang symbol beautifully portrays), and nature provides a concrete example of how to find balance in our lives. Just as much of nature takes a rest in winter to restore and prepare for another Spring, so we need more rest and down time in winter to restore our energy levels from the high-energy activity of summer and prepare for the coming spring.

So, why is the dark time of the year so difficult? Certainly there are many factors that contribute, and I propose that the association of darkness with the feminine is one of them. The masculine (yang) is associated with light, day, heat, action and upward, outward movement. The feminine (yin) is associated with the opposites of dark, night, cold, rest and downward, inward movement and reflection, and also with expression of emotions. It doesn't take much to recognize that our society is a bit imbalanced toward the yang. The social conditioning by messages to achieve, to pull ourselves up (by our bootstraps, of course), to climb the ladder of success, keep growing and earning more, and go for the limelight, are strong. We might be frowned upon or criticized if we are perceived to be doing nothing. Needing to rest or take a break is seen as weak in some circles.

The feminine has long been suppressed in our collective consciousness. While we've come a long way with women's equality issues, the oppression continues. In addition to blatant sexism, I say it shows up in subtle ways, like fear of the dark, the expression of emotions being seen as weak, and a disregard for the benefits of rest, silence and downtime.

What if we uncovered some of our unconscious beliefs and shifted them to embrace the qualities of the feminine? What if we broke away from the societal norms and, instead of resisting the darkness, embraced it by truly honoring our body's need for rest and our heart's need to feel the sadness or anger? What might be possible if we honored emotions as guidance from our soul, and viewed the darkness as an opportunity to restore, reflect and grow?

If our culture embraced the feminine and the darkness as valuable, and society encouraged self-reflection and more rest during the dark months of the year, might there be less suffering? less SAD? It begins with our thoughts and beliefs, which lead to our behaviors. If you notice yourself resisting the darkness in the coming weeks, join me in embracing it as a valuable balance to the light...a time to rest, reflect, honor the feelings that come up, and give yourself permission to bow out of some holiday craziness. You might be surprised by what shows up.

Letting go of shoulds

So, it's been a few months since I've reflected here--somewhat tumultuous months for me. (Was it the seasonal transition? My milestone of turning 40? Who knows?) When I've been able to extract myself from the all-too-familiar negative mental/emotional spiral around not having enough time, not being good enough, not having clarity and focus, and simply observe my personal dynamic, I've noticed yet another layer of shoulds I've been listening to: I should be blogging every week. I should be able to keep my garden in pristine shape. I should've cleaned the bathtub long ago. I should have a great website put together by now (or by a year ago!). I should be marketing and advertising like so-and-so. I should be caught up with my QuickBooks, be making lots of connections on facebook, and doing the whole laundry list of things that a "good" business owner does! And, I really should know by now how to not fall into these pits of overwhelm and fear. (Even now as I write, I'm observing thoughts that I should have a good metaphor example woven into my writing in order for this to really be a good blog!) I should be doing more, accomplishing more, doing it all better.... You get the picture.

While my perfectionistic streak may be a bit overblown than most, I know from hearing others' stories that my experience isn't an isolated scenario. No surprise there, in our striving, dress-to-impress, more-is-better culture. It's not easy to turn this monster upside-down and find peace and satisfaction with less--on the inside rather than the outside. Or maybe it's not that it's so hard. Might it be that we simply don't receive nearly as many messages and encouragement to honor and listen to our own inner Truth? Perhaps we simply haven't practiced tuning in.

Despite the many reminders I have received to listen to my own inner voice and truth, I often found myself swimming in a pool of confusion in recent months, pulled this way and that by the voices all around me. They aren't bad or wrong voices, and many are well meaning. However, they aren't mine. And if I'm living my life to please others, or avoid criticism, or deliver what I think others want, I'm not really living my life, am I?

Learning to hear my own voice among the cacaphony of shoulds and expert advice has been, and continues to be an adventure. When I let go of calling it "hard" and allow myself to be a beginner at it, I can step back and be amused. "How fascinating! There I go again--thinking I need to do whatever _________ said I should. " Being free from any and all "should thoughts" is likely next to impossible in our human experience. The bottom line, perhaps, is whether we listen and act according to them. Each time I see the shoulds for what they are--someone else's ideas, assumptions or conclusions--and come back to myself, I peel back yet another layer of the onion that obscures my whole and authentic Self.

I love this time of year, as the leaves provide such a clear and tangible metaphor for letting go. With their inspiration, I am letting go of the voices in my head that say I should've done a better job writing this. It is what it is--my voice.